All This Time
by icaughtfire
Summary: A Hanna/Emily oneshot. Hanna knows Emily's secret...  written directly after 7/20's episode


_All this time_

_We were waiting for each other_

_All this time_

_I was waiting for you…_

Hanna Marin sat at the kitchen table on her laptop, listening to music and obsessively reading over the social networking profile of the blonde bitch that had been driving her boyfriend around. She heard the familiar ding she associated with her instant messenger program. Someone with the username 'ThisIsA' sent her a message which said, "Now I know TWO secrets. Hanna got dissed…and Emily got KISSED! –A" She read the message twice, blinking in puzzlement and sending a reply that asked, "Who is this?" She knew they wouldn't tell her, but it was worth a try. She still couldn't believe this person, whoever they were, was still harassing her. Hanna swore that it seemed as if 'A' was targeting her more than the other girls…but she wasn't sure why.

A paperclip appeared on her screen, indicating that 'A' was trying to send her a file. Praying that 'A' wasn't a computer nerd trying to send her some kind of computer virus, she clicked on it and it quickly popped up. The first picture was of her friend Emily and the new girl, Maya. They were in a photo booth and Emily was making a kissy face while Maya was giving her bunny ears. Why would 'A' send her this? She scrunched up her face in confusion as she scrolled on; it was a photo booth picture, so there were a few more pictures; one of which involved Emily and Maya looking very intensely at each other, almost as if they were about to…KISS! There it was. 'A' was sending her a picture of Emily kissing a girl. For a moment, Hanna was shocked – shocked that someone had even sent her the picture and wondering how someone came about it, not shocked that Emily was kissing a girl. Hanna wasn't stupid. She had seen the way Emily looked at Allison when she was alive, so it was no surprise to her that Emily liked a girl. If this was the secret they had on Emily and they also knew about Hanna's nasty eating disorder, what exactly did 'A' have against perfect little Spencer and gorgeous Icelandic princess Aria? She couldn't even imagine what 'A' was holding against them.

Hanna closed her computer, suddenly not so interested in creeping stupid skinny sluts profiles but instead turning over the entire 'A' situation in her mind again. She had thought about the identity of the person endlessly since she had received the first message and still could not fathom who would want to do this to them. Of course she had considered that maybe it was one of the other three girls in the inner circle. Maybe Spencer had cracked under academic pressure and was getting her jollies fucking with her old friends, or maybe Aria hated them all after she moved to Iceland and met cool European friends. No matter how much she analyzed every move her friends made, she could never suspect Emily. Why would Emily send her this picture? It absolutely couldn't be her, and she was much too innocent to perpetrate such a threatening collection of messages. No, 'A' had to be Jenna Marshall, or Toby Cavanaugh. It just connected. The handwriting seemed to be a girl's, and if she could get a sample of Jenna's writing, maybe she could prove that she was the one torturing them. It wasn't like she didn't have a motive…they even deserved it. They had BLINDED her, after all – well, assuming that she really was blind. Sometimes Hanna wondered about that. As creepy as Toby was, she knew he wouldn't get caught up in female drama like secrets because it simply wasn't his scene. It frightened her that 'A' could truly be anyone and by the looks of things, they knew so much, including how to get into Spencer's house and not to mention all of these closely guarded secrets.

Hanna spotted Emily as soon as her friend stepped into The Grill and when Spencer called her name, a startled look crossed her delicate face. The girl came toward them and Hanna observed her as she sauntered across the floor, biting her pink lips and crossing her arms to her chest. It was obvious something was bothering her, maybe she and Maya had fought. When she sat down, Hanna noticed how gorgeous Emily looked in her purple shirt and denim skirt, smiling at her friend as Spencer somewhat rudely asked, "What are you doing here?"

Emily didn't respond, so Hanna started into her story about 'A' and the three of them discussed everything while Hanna kept sneaking peeks at Emily. She really looked concerned about something and she couldn't help but worry. After their talk, Spencer got up to leave and an Asian woman that worked there handed a CD to Emily. Hanna thought that was odd until she saw the smile that made its way onto Emily's face. Ah, it must have been from Maya. How sweet was that? Sean never made her mix CDs…

She pressed Emily to tell her who made the CD with its cute cover art but her friend wouldn't budge.

"Well, whoever made it must like you a lot." Hanna told her, grinning back in response. She wished her friend would trust her with this secret, but then she realized that things had changed, and even so, it wasn't as if Emily knew her secret either. Why was it that all of them shared their deepest secrets with Ali and no one else, not even each other? Something about Ali had made Hanna feel comfortable. Even on the dark days when Allison poked fun at her and called her names, Hanna felt a desperate need to gain her approval and her friend was even pretty supportive when she told her about her binging and purging cycle. Except when she called her Hefty Hanna.

"No, we were just talking about this band we both like." Emily insisted while her brown eyes clouded with deceit.

"Is it from somebody you like back?" No response. "Sorry, you don't have to tell me anything. But Em, if there's someone in your life who cares about you, then I'm happy for you. No matter who they are." She assured her with sincerity, putting her hand on top of the other girl's.

"I…thank you." Emily blushed. "That's kind of nice to hear, actually."

"I just want you to be happy. It's been hard since Ali. I don't know. I just feel like things were so great when she was here. And I know you were closer with her than any of us, so it's probably been really hard and, I guess I just want you to know I'm here for you if you want to talk - about anything. I don't judge, alright?" Hanna squeezed the brunette's hand reassuringly.

"That's sweet. You're right, it's been difficult. I don't even feel like the same person anymore, you know what I mean? And this 'A' thing is really starting to scare me. The messages seem even more menacing and how do they know these things about us? What if they're closer than we think?" Emily gulped, pulling her hand away suddenly.

"I was actually thinking the same thing. Do you think Spencer or Aria could really do something like this? I mean, it could be Toby or Jenna, but how would they know all this? It's really freaking me out."

"I don't think it is Toby. And Jenna's BLIND. I really don't think she could…"

"Me neither. It's not YOU, is it?" Hanna joked and Emily grinned, shaking her head. "So what's on the CD?" She took it in her hand and gazed at it. "There's this song I've been listening to a lot lately. I don't know if it's your thing but you should check it out. Have you heard of One Republic?"

"Of course. They're pretty good. I like their song that they played on the radio. I haven't really listened to much else other than that though." Emily admitted. She was a music guru, but she hadn't really listened to them.

"Oh. Well," She took out a pen and wrote in her elegant script on the napkin that was lying there: 'All This Time' by One Republic. "Just give it a listen. It kind of reminds me of y…Well, um, I guess I'd better go. You take care of yourself, kay? Just call me if you need anything or want to talk." She got up from the chair and gave her friend a quick wave, then briskly headed out the door before she said anything else stupid.

All four of them were reunited once again, crowded into Aria's sizeable and well-decorated room. Hanna had always admired Aria because it seemed like she was so together, from her wardrobe to her bedroom, everything always looked beautiful. She was sitting at the foot of her friend's bed and the four of them discussed Homecoming and who they were taking. Spencer had a new crush and Hanna had finally somewhat convinced Sean to go with her, but Aria and Emily both said they were going to go alone.

"Why don't you guys go together? You'd make a cute couple." Spencer jested, causing both Hanna and Emily to grimace. It made Hanna think for a second—why would Spencer joke about that? Maybe she knew Emily's secret!

"How did I just go from wearing mom jeans to being Samantha Ronson?" Aria responded, and they all laughed. Samantha Ronson, wasn't that the DJ chick that Lindsay Lohan had been dating? Hanna was surprised when she read about it in the tabloids, and depressed when she found out that they broke up. Lindsay Lohan had always been such a fascinating subject and was obviously quite broken, but with Samantha she had seemed like she was truly happy. Hanna leaned back, watching Emily out of the corner of her eye as she tried to act like she wasn't bothered by Spencer's jab.

"Who cares who anyone goes to this thing with; it's just a dance… You should bring someone you have fun with." Hanna muttered, feeling Emily's eyes on her and meeting her friend's gaze, smiling kindly. She knew Emily was grateful because it was quite obvious she wasn't ready for someone to know, not to mention her own struggles with it. Hanna knew she was going to talk to her about it but she didn't even know how to begin.

"I really want to go with someone. I just don't want people thinking it means more than it does." Emily stared at Hanna when she said this. It was as if they were the only two girls in the room.

"Are you and Ben back together?" Spencer broke the spell Hanna was under.

"No." Emily scoffed. "No. Of course not." She bit her lip.

"So, who's the mystery dude?" Aria asked.

"Oh! Who's starving?" Hanna announced, trying to distract the girls from their question. She didn't want Emily to feel uncomfortable. Emily shot her a thankful smile.

They all opened their fortune cookies because they had ordered Chinese, and all their fortunes said the exact same thing. Another message from 'A': "Lions tigers and bitches oh my! There's no place like Homecoming. See you there." Hanna read it aloud and the other girls gasped, opening theirs too.

"God, not only is 'A' a crazy bitch, her grammar skills are HORRIBLE!" Spencer laughed, lightening the moment.

"…How did someone get these fortunes in here, anyway?" Aria reasoned.

"A must be CHINESE! Do we know anyone that works at the Chinese restaurant?" Emily grinned. At least they could joke about it…For now.

It seemed they had been checking up on each other every day, keeping tabs on the situation and alerting each other every time they heard from 'A'. But the truth was, none of them would share what the mysterious persona was threatening them with, and so none of them ever really trusted each other. Hanna eyed Spencer suspiciously as she told Aria goodbye, walking downstairs with Emily trailing behind her. She slowed down for a second and Emily came crashing into her.

"Owww." Emily complained, having fallen on top of Hanna. "Why'd you stop?"

"I, um, ouch. Can you get off of me first?" Hanna yelped, her face burning red. She realized that her shirt had pulled up a little bit, and some of her stomach was exposed. Without hesitating, she pulled Emily off of her and got up, murmuring, "I gotta go…" and hurrying out the door. She felt sick as she made her way down the sidewalk outside. She really despised herself for her lack of self-control. Hanna knew she had been gaining weight again and wondered if she would even fit into the homecoming dress she had bought weeks ago. Probably not. She must have gained twenty pounds, or at least she felt like it. The breakup confusion with Sean had thrown her into her usual binging cycle. She consumed mass amounts of cheese fries, Ben & Jerry's (a staple breakup food) and entirely way too much sugary soda. The weight was definitely noticeable and every time she saw herself in the mirror, she saw the beginnings of a muffin top, not to mention her horrible complexion. God, she felt like such an ugly duckling.

Hanna had been okay while Ali was missing but the appearance of 'A' had driven her back to her body-conscious self and then with the breakup, Hanna had completely stopped watching what she was eating. Now she was paying the consequences. It was no wonder Sean didn't want her and neither did anyone else. It was no wonder she was still a virgin. She sighed, breaking into a jog. That's it; she was going to start exercising now. It was a few miles until she got to her house anyway, so that was what, a couple hundred calories burned?

At school, Hanna finally had her chance to talk to Maya. She conveniently ran into her in the hallway. She tried to gather her thoughts as she said "Hi."

"Hey." Maya replied.

"I didn't know you were in a band." Hanna gestured toward the cello case slung across Maya's shoulders.

"Jazz band." Maya pointed. "I don't march. And YES, I'm voting for you." She added with a grin.

"Thank you! Um." Hanna paused. She tried to think about how she would word things. So, a mysterious person sent me a picture of you and Emily kissing and I just wanted you to know that you make her really happy and you should totally go for it. Yeah, that'd go over well. "Okay. Well, I'll see you at homecoming."

"I don't think so." Maya laughed, as if the idea was completely ridiculous. She started to walk away and Hanna seized her last chance.

"It's too bad. I know Emily really wanted you to come." She hinted.

Looking around for a moment, Maya responded, "Oh," and smiling, continued "Well, um," She paused and smiled again, "I'll think about it." The two of them smirked like they were sharing a secret (in fact they were) and they separated.

The dance had happened and not without incident. The girls had been extremely surprised when they found out that Emily went with Toby to the dance. Hanna couldn't even speak when she saw the two of them walk in together. They even seemed like they were having fun. But that didn't change the facts. Toby Cavanaugh was bad news, and Aria and Spencer especially wanted to warn her against him. After all, as Hanna discovered, he was the one who had been in therapy, not Jenna. He was obviously severely messed up, and then there was the matter of the tattoo. 901 free at last? What did it mean? Well 9/01 was September 1, the day that Ali disappeared. Sure, it could have been a coincidence, but what if it wasn't?

By that time, the girls noticed that Emily was missing. Unable to find her anywhere they attempted to call and text her, to no avail. Eventually they found her ringing phone in the chemistry lab along with a broken beaker and some blood. They assumed the worst. The next day they found out that Emily had been hurt, but taken to the hospital by Toby. Toby had left her there without even staying, but if he'd really been a killer, wouldn't he have gone through with hurting her?

Hanna had decided instead of calling Emily, she would pay a visit to her house. Standing on the front porch, she waited for her friend to answer the door. She wanted to leave and chicken out, but she had already knocked. The door opened and there stood Mrs. Fields. "Hanna. It's nice to see you." She greeted.

"It's nice to see you too, Mrs. Fields. Is Emily home?" Hanna asked stiffly, standing there and feeling completely awkward knowing what she was about to discuss with this Republican, military woman's daughter.

"Yes, she's in her room doing homework. Go on up." The woman smiled and Hanna nodded, coming inside and walking up the familiar hallway and to Emily's door. She knocked and stood there for a moment, listening to the shuffling sounds in Emily's room as she approached the door.

"Hi." Emily greeted her when she opened the door. "What are you doing here? Did something happen with 'A'?"

"No, no. I just wanted to talk to you about…stuff…and see how you were doing after, you know, everything. Are you okay?"

"I guess." The two of them took a seat on the bed and Hanna noticed the butterfly bandage on Emily's forehead. She touched it gingerly.

"Does it hurt?" She grimaced, imagining that it did.

"It's alright. Not that bad. So." Emily trailed off, deciding to dive right in. "Why did you think I'd take Maya to the dance?"

Hanna blinked, acting as if she was surprised about Emily's question. "What?"

"You thought I wanted her as my date. Why?" Her voice was accusing.

The other girl paused for a long time. "A sent me a picture. Of you and Maya kissing." Hanna explained, fumbling with her words. Emily looked away for a moment, mouthing 'oh.' "So can I just ask? I mean, you took Toby to the dance but then you took that picture with Maya." She raised her eyebrows, and the two of them shared an intense look for quite some time until Emily finally looked away.

"I think I know what I want. But if I say yes to Maya, everything would change. You know it would." Emily sounded sure, but sad about the fact. Hanna could definitely relate to that feeling…

"Yeah, it would. You wouldn't have to pretend that you're someone you're not." She argued, and she had quite a point.

"But what if I'm wrong? What if I'm not…that person?" Emily couldn't even say the words 'gay' or 'lesbian'. She definitely wasn't ready. Hanna was frustrated with her inability to accept herself and love herself, but she knew how Emily felt. She hated herself for the way she looked and then the way she dealt with it, and she was sure that Emily felt the same way. Even though the situations were different, the feelings were quite the same.

"Emily, you're not signing a contract. You were Emily dating Ben and now you're Emily dating Maya. We love Emily." Hanna paused, thinking 'I love Emily' in her head but saying that instead. It sounded less weird that way. "Who cares who you're with?"

"Really? Have you met my parents? Mr. and Mrs. Military and their perfect daughter." Hanna frowned. No, Emily wasn't bitter at all…But Hanna had to admit that she was right. From what she knew of her friends parents, she was going to have it rough when they found out. After all, these were the parents who pushed her into swimming, who disapproved greatly of her friends, especially Ali, and who, essentially, drove Emily completely insane. They were responsible for most of her confidence issues – just like Hanna's father and his perfect stepdaughter Kate, were quite responsible for her own issues with herself.

"I'm sorry." Hanna put her hand on Emily's shoulder, and then pulled her closer into a hug. "It has to be difficult. I mean, my parents don't know about…my…secret, either." She couldn't believe she spoke the words but now she couldn't take them back.

"What secret? You're gay too?" The way she said it, with the too, was almost an admission and Hanna couldn't help but grin as she responded.

"Oh! Um, no that's not what I meant but not that there's anything wrong with you, um, actually, um, I…I've never told anyone this." She was nervous because people could be judgmental about things- especially this kind of stuff. She remembered when she told Ali, and how she'd been shaking and the words were jumbled. Hanna wasn't sure she could say it all over again.

"You don't have to tell me." But those words themselves made her want to.

"It's only fair, right? I know your secret, so, it's like a trade. But you can't tell anyone. It would...it would ruin me." Hanna begged desperately. Her eyes were narrowed and she was fiddling with the beaded bracelet on her wrist.

"I'm sure it's not that bad." Emily told her reassuringly. "I'm not going to judge you, if that's what you're worried about."

"I'm, well, not ready to tell you yet. Can we talk about something else first and then I'll try to tell you? I know I sound stupid, but it's just really hard."

"I get it. No, no, I do." Emily smiled. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Ali. You loved her, didn't you?" It wasn't a question she necessarily had to ask, because she knew the answer already, but it was something to talk about and it would probably make both of them feel a little better.

"Was it that obvious?"

"Well, you were her 'Killer'. I mean, she called you Killer. Ha. You always were protective over her." Hanna paused. "I mean, I figured it out, but I bet the other girls didn't. They were too wrapped up in themselves to care. Still are." Her words hung in the air for a moment before Emily was able to form her response.

"Yeah. She knew, too. I kissed her once." Emily's face lit up like she was basking in the memory. Her hand drifted to Hanna's knee. "It was magical, you know? It was actually my first kiss," She blushed. "She didn't love me back. Well, I don't know. It was complicated, really complicated. But she knew. I guess you could say she exploited me. It doesn't change the fact that I love her."

"Allison was easy to like, no matter what she did. I know. She could be so mean to me but then I'd come crawling back to her for her approval. It was sick. But it's like I was addicted to her, you know?" Hanna shared.

"I definitely know. It feels really good to talk about this with you." Emily admitted. "It's nice to know that I'm not by myself. That it wasn't just me she treated that way. It doesn't make me miss her any less though, fucked up, isn't it? But yeah, it feels good talking to you."

"It does."

"I'm scared. When, I mean if...I decide to be with Maya. I've only ever been with Ben and I never liked it, and I don't know how to do things the right way. I've only ever been in messed up relationships. It's like, what if I can't have a real one? Like what you and Sean have." She was being sincere but Hanna couldn't help but laugh.

"Like what SEAN AND I HAVE? Yeah, right. That's over." Hanna chuckled. "I'm too fat for him or something. I don't know. I never deserved him, either. So if you're looking for the example of a perfect relationship, look elsewhere."

"You're not fat! You're beautiful. God, you're like the most beautiful girl in school. Homecoming Queen and everything. You're certainly not fat OR ugly." Emily sounded appalled at the thought. She admired the other girl, always had. Emily had always been the Plain Jane swimmer girl, while Hanna had become Ali's gorgeous, popular counterpart. She never imagined that the girl she had been so jealous of was actually self-conscious.

"You're just saying that." She murmured.

"No, I'm not. Wait; is that what you were going to tell me?" Emily was so close to her, she could feel her breath on her cheek. "Do you…are you…"

Before her friend could finish her sentence, she answered her, "I-overeat-when-I'm-upset and then make-myself-throw-up-with-the-back-of-my-toothbrush." Hanna said in a rush. "So I'm bulimic, that's how I lost all my weight, and I think I'm gonna go now." She stood up but Emily grabbed her arm.

"Stop. Deal. Seriously. We can talk about my issue but not yours? I'm willing to bet you've never talked about it. No? Well I've never talked about mine either. Sit down." She pulled Hanna toward her. "You are gorgeous. Absolutely, heartbreakingly, astoundingly gorgeous. I've always been envious of you. And here I find out that you're just as fucked up as I am."

"You just said fuck. You never curse." Hanna giggled.

"Fuck! FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK." Emily screamed, grinning widely with her arms around Hanna's waist.

"Your parents are home." She reminded her.

"Oh. Fuck. Ha. I forgot. Crap, I hope they didn't hear me." She looked worried and Hanna couldn't help but notice just how cute she looked with her head turned to the side and her ears perked up as she was listening.

"Hmm, I don't hear furious footsteps running down the hall, so I think you're good. Thank you. For being so sweet. I think you're ridiculously wrong, but it's still sweet." Hanna breathed.

"It's hard not to be sweet around you."

"Oh, shush." Hanna pushed her, shoving her onto the bed. The mattress bounced as the swimmer hit the covers and the blonde followed her, jumping on top of her and easily pinning her to the bed. "You might be a big strong swimmer, but I'm still bigger than you. I can win this fight. Easily."

"Please." Emily rolled her eyes, attempting to get away and then realizing that Hanna was correct. She WAS stronger. "What the heck?"

"Told you." Hanna smirked. She looked down at Emily, who was struggling no longer. Brown eyes burned into blue ones and the fair haired girl leaned down, surrendering to her increasing need for love. Soft lips met each other tentatively at first, but then the nervous girls lost their fear and deepened the kiss. "I was waiting for you." The blonde whispered between kisses. It was unexpected for both of them—Hanna, desperate for affection and acceptance from anyone, and Emily, unsure of herself and lacking in romantic confidence. It was simple. It was complex. They were beautiful girls who felt a spark and acted on it. Were they both gay? Were they straight? Did it matter? Neither girl knew and they were too busy exploring each other's mouths to think about it thoroughly. Nor were they able to pay attention to their buzzing cell phones. Both of them had received a text message. Guess who from?

A: Looks like Emily found someone new to kiss. Who would have thought it was the reigning Queen-B? I wonder what her subjects would think about this?


End file.
